My life goal list.

Yes, I have a LONG life goal list... so I'm going to stick around for a LONG time.

There's a lot in life that I would love to do, many places to go and things to see. Whether I'll achieve many of them, I have no idea, but I sure will try! Some of them are expensive, so I'm not counting on doing those, but there's a fair amount that should be achievable without costing too much.

I'm aware that most of the goals below will require some help due to the fact that i'm not allowed to leave home alone. So any help gratefully appreciated.

So below is a list of things which I plan to do... and those which i've completed.

Some of the below may sound silly ideas, but I've tried to keep these original and of my own thinking. I'm sure more will be added to the list in future.

Stuff I'd like to do - in no particular order!

1. Some in my list below require me to do this --- GET my FIRST ever passport!!!
2. Succeed in rock climbing a wall (Even a very basic beginners one) - I failed trying when I was 14 and want to put right this failure. (includes indoor climbing walls)
3. Spend a day at a spa.
4. Have a surprise party... anyone going to organise one for me? p.s my birthday is the 2nd of July.
5. Skydive - If I get the chance, i'd do it for charity.
6. Freefall - Something else that i'd love to do and i'd do it for charity. 
7. Wing walking - for charity of course!
8. Watch a sunrise
9. Watch a sunset
10. Do one of the NACC charity walks. (didn't even mange this one in 2014 due to clashing of appointments)
11. Have a song written about me. (by ANYONE)
12. Run a marathon (any length - even a half mile one)
13. Touch the stones at Stonehenge.
14. To see a shooting star - for one reason or another I keep missing out on this!
15. Have someone do a portrait of me. (anyone want to attempt one?)
16. Northern lights - one day I shall see the mysterious sight of the Auora Boealis.
17. Break a Guinness World Record.
18. Be featured in the newspaper for doing something good.
19. Stand at John O'Groats (achieved lizard point in 2008 - but was on my own and no one around to photograph me!)
20. Visit Ireland
21. Walk across the Carrick-a-rede rope bridge (Ireland)
22. Visit the Giants Causeway (Ireland)
23. Visit the Giants Causeway (Scotland))
24. Go zip-lining
25. Go to a music festival - I don't care which one, I've never been to one.
26. Ride one of those mechanical bucking bulls.
27. Hold a baby (by baby I mean anything under 1 year old)
28. See the changing of the guards in London. 
29. A photograph of myself outside 10 downing street.
30. See the Roman baths in Bath.
31. Eat Turkey whilst in Turkey! - IF they sell turkey there... ok, this is a weird one for me to want to do!
32. Go to the Forbidden Corner (Yorkshire)
33. Ride a Segway.
34. Jump off a diving board (firstly my swimming ability sucks, secondly I have a fear of even jumping off the side of the pool).
35. Be an extra - on t.v or a film, anything really, just a background character who does nothing.
36. See one of the following paintings --- Mona Lisa, The scream, VVG-Sunflowers or any by my favourite S.Dali.
37. Watch tennis at Wimbledon.
38. Walk Hadrians wall (or at least part of it).
39. Learn the blanket stitch
40. Learn embroidery basics
41. Walk blindfolded for a day (with guidance of course) - could do this for Guide dogs association?
42. Go in a helicopter (hopefully not as a casualty, but this would still count)
43. Canter along the beach (amazed in all of my years of horse riding I never did this)
44. See something at Shakespeare's globe theatre in London - Midsummers night dream (preferably).
45. Swim with Dolphins.
46. Warner Bros Studio Tours in Watford.
47. Doctor Who Experience - in Wales.
48. Go away for Christmas (even somewhere in the UK, just not to family or friends houses)
49. Husky Sledging.
50. Hang gliding
51. Go trick-a-treating (something I never did as a child).
52. Ski / Snowboard
53. Water ski
54. Attend Oktoberfest in Germany (dad works in Munich - so hopefully next year). 
55. Learn some magic tricks
56. Visit the Louvre.
57. Complete 1,000 Geocaches
58. Zorbing
59. Learn a type of dance
60. Ride an Elephant Or Camel.
61. Shower in a waterfall.
62. Get an article or a book published.
63. Go to a drive in movie - do they have these in the UK - I'm not sure if they do?
64. Sleep in a hammock.
65. Ride in a Limousine 
66. Learn and be able to spot 5 constellations that I don't already know.
67. See a west end theatre play in London.
68. Take a photograph from the top of a tall building (any tall building which overlooks a nice view).
69. Get over my fear of snakes - I have had a boa constricter around my neck (through no choice of my own), but I was struck be fear and couldn't move.
70. Go to Glastonbury (not the festival, just the place and climb the tor)
71. Learn to pull a pint.
72. The great pyramid of Giza and a Sphinx. I've always been fascinated with Egypt.
73. Scuba dive.
74. Try truffles
75. Go white water river rafting.
76. Visit Easter island and the heads which now have bodies!
77. Meet the Dalai lama or the pope.
78. Go on a submarine (a yellow one would be cool).
79. Mardi gras
80. Take one photo each day for a year - having done a degree in photography, this should be possible!!! (Need to get a better camera first)
81. The statue of Liberty - it'd be nice to see how big this lady really is.
82. Niagara OR Victoria falls.
83. Take a cooking lesson so I can learn to cook better.
84. Ride in a hot air balloon.
85. The grand canyon - it'd be great to look down this canyon.

Completed (+ the things which I've done and shall never forget).
Raised £1000 for charity reached on the 04/04/2014
£500 Goal  for crohn's and colitis achieved on 09.10.2013

Own my own dog - completed JAN 2012  -- and she still often lies on her back with one leg locked!

Completed a degree B.A hons in Photography.

Had a photograph which I've taken featured within the newspaper.


Walked with wolves -- I'm up for this again!!!
Leaning tower of Pisa (although I've done this, it was behind many fences and scaffolding, therefore would like to re-do). (young child)
Visited Stonehenge
Visited Venice.
Danced in a ring of fire in Greece. (about 8 years old?)
Saw in the millennium (and to think that even my great grandchildren won't get this chance).
Saw an Eclipse.
Represented my county in a sport (Fencing).
Broke the AAS record for Archery.
Stood at the Lizard point - June 2008. (no pictures as was on my own and couldn't see anyone around at all!)

Finding it tough.

I always try and remain positive and see a light when all seems so dark. People often comment on how positive I am and how fantastic it is, yet this is only a mere reflection of what I want people to see.

I do try and stay positive, but in doing so I actually push the negative feelings down and bottle them up - hasn't anyone ever thought that me being positive all the time was a bit strange considering all that's gone on?

Recently it's as if the lid of the bottle has reached maximum capacity and won't hold in any more. I have a feeling where it's like I want to end it all, give up the fight which I've been fighting so long. I've had a lot of feelings like this for a long time, however I remained strong and fought them one by one.

I've helped a lot of people along my path one way or another, but I've not helped myself. I've been hiding myself away, rather than expressing my emotions - I've kept a positive appearance and hidden the true emotions deep down inside. Struggling from day to day is not easy, especially when no one knows how much you struggle on a daily basis. When asked the simple question "how are you feeling today" instead of answering with the emotional side, I answer from a physical perspective, therefore not allowing people to know if I am coping or not. At least by answering from a physical point of view I am letting people know the days when I physically can not manage.

When alone with those with whom I am close to, I drop hints of how I feel; it seems as if these fall upon deaf ears. Such hints which I have dropped have been along the lines of, "If I was to end up needing resuscitation, it is obviously my time and I'd prefer not to be resuscitated.", "If I died, I'd rather not be burried in a churchyard" and many more along the lines.

It's been about ten years now where I have led a life of non-existence; a half-life. I'm living, but I'm not alive. I don't want to keep on like this, I want my life back. I can't cope like this.

I spend most of my time doing creative stuff, stained glass, making cards, jewellery, felt decorations and the suchlike, which I sell for the Crohn's and colitis charity. The remainder of my time is spend on-line, a fraction of which is in a couple of support groups which I set up.  Although I have a lot of craft stuff, which yes, I do enjoy a lot; it isn't a life, or rather, not the life I would rather have.

I'm not allowed out on my own, my mum takes me out a fair amount, but its not the same. I seldom get taken out by my best mate and other mates, well they are all too far or simply on-line companions (mainly from my Crohn's and Colitis group) who I have not had the opportunity to meet. To go outside more would be lovely, to do the simple things in life and do the stuff which I want to do. I don't really have much I want to do, I just want to do "normal" things which "normal" people do. I wish my friends would take me out more; it hurts when they don't see me often, or if they make plans to see me and let me down.

I would love to work and have independence in my life. I didn't particularly enjoy my last job (cleaning toilets in McDonalds) I mean, who would enjoy that? I enjoyed the company of my work colleagues, the customers and the independence which it brought. To feel that I had a role, a purpose, a structure in my life meant a great deal to me. s what I miss. I want a life, at the moment it is hard to see what the point in life is. If my purpose is to help others, then that's what I'm doing, but why must I suffer the consequences of such an illness in order to help them.

The ability to eat normal food has hit me strong this summer, the amount of times in this heat when all I've fancied eating was a lovely refreshing salad or fruit, yet my limited meal options due to a stricture has made this impossible. You wouldn't get many people complaining about missing salad, but I sure do!!!

It's been almost ten years and not a lot seems to have changed, except for the fact that my health has deteriorated and my independence totally gone.

Next year the doctors are planning on doing surgery, this as written in a previous post is a huge fear of mine. Also I'm worried about the fact that surgery only seems to help people for about 5-7 years until they need further surgery; at my young age, 7 years doesn't seem a very long time at all. To comprehend the importance of surgery is very hard when I am faced with the dilemma of the Crohn's spreading and more surgery needing doing along the way. of losing my entire digestive system and needing a bag. A LOT of people in my group have said how surgery has been great for them and helped them regain some form of life. It may have helped them, but the whole idea is still really scary to me. It wouldn't give me my life back as I would still have my other health conditions such as blackouts which is what makes my life isolated in the first place.

At the moment, the last year at least, I've had extreme maternal feelings; some would laugh at this as a few years ago the whole idea of ever becoming a parent was something I was set against. Now, with knowledge that my condition actually has affected a huge amount of previous relatives (unknown until recently) I don't wish to carry on my family line. So adoption, yes, I would love to adopt, give a child a home and the love that they deserve. I can't adopt though in my health, blacking out all the time. I'm needing a lot of care myself and it wouldn't be fair on my mum to take on my needs as well as those of a child.

I don't know if it would be easier if I was born this way and not to have had the opportunity to have experienced the fun and freedom of life. To have had a life of freedom, only to have it suddenly ripped away hurts. The saying, it is better to have loved and lost, rather than to have never loved at all comes to mind; but is it really better to have experienced some form of a quality life just to have it snatched from you?

There are no IBD support groups near me, I have requested many people to help me set one up with no luck at all. My G.P suggested counselling, but at this moment and having experienced counselling many years ago, I know this is not what I need and would not help me.

I need my life back. A cure would be great. The ability to get out of the house and do the stuff I want to do, to live a normal life, no boundaries and no limitations would be excellent.

If it wasn't for my great fear of what would happen if I killed myself, then trust me, I'd be out of here in a shot. Just I can't, because I have a fear that I'll be punished as a result of it not being a natural death. All of those years of church and things has cast a message into my mind that it's unforgivable, a burden that remains with your soul forever. I don't want to be punished just for trying to escape the punishment that life has handed me. Escape punishment to receive extra doesn't seem much justice, so I remain struggling and fighting, just taking each day as it comes.