My BIGGEST fear right now - Surgery.

*If facing surgery - I advise you probably not to read*

I know that with Crohns disease, in my case anyway as for most other people -- surgery is something that I will not be able to avoid. I have a very bad stricture - (scar tissue build up causing a blockage) where the ulcers have been very bad. The doctors said before I started Infliximab that they would do another scope in a year to see how much has healed and the latest state of the stricture before handing me over (more than likely) to the surgical team.

So in 9 months, i'm kind of expecting that I'll probably be facing oncoming surgery...

So what scares me? Let me tell you.
They put me under the sedative before doing the operation and I fall asleep as expected. They assume it has worked so begin the operation to remove the part of intestine which needs to go. I will be asleep, unable to move, unable to talk - however I feel everything as they cut me open - sheer pain. As a result of the sedative, I won't be able to do anything, not even a minor signal. I know this is a very silly fear, don't think it's even possible - but it scares me so much that I will feel everything and be defenceless.

A few months ago I had a filling done --- nothing in comparison to what I shall at some point face. The dentist gave me the injection in gums to numb me, but it didn't work. I felt everything - as a result mum had to hold my hands and the dentist couldn't do as good a job as she was supposed to as I couldn't stop squirming from the pain. She couldn't stop either as had already begun. I felt everything and it was painful. I am not sure why the dentists injection didn't work properly, she gave me full dose! This happened AFTER I already had the fear of surgery, so of course helped to ADD to my already existing fear - which grows each day as the date comes nearer.

Many people who I have spoken to who have had surgery in the past say that it has given them 5-7 years of a normal life. Is that amount of time really worth it? At my young age, 7 years doesn't feel that long for me. Even the doctors are worried as once they remove one part the crohns will spread - and as the crohns spreads in future more shall probably have to be removed.

My fear is growing day by day, yet surgery is supposed to take the pain away.
I do hope I can avoid surgery, but is there any choice for me?
Under the knife, aware of all around, unable to move or make a sound.
The pain I'll feel and have to endure; but even surgery won't be a cure.